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Identity

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We confuse identity as something that’s real and fixed, like it’s carved in stone. We bundle up our fears, habits and emotions and tell everyone “That’s my personality.” It’s a convenient mechanism to avoid facing our fears and for absolving responsibility for our feelings and reactions. “That’s just the way I am.” we say. And so the matter is closed and our ‘identity’ is preserved unchallenged.

Identity is nothing but a perception of how we see ourselves, or the mask we choose to present to the world. e.g. Someone might claim they are shy in order to avoid speaking up in public and this then label acts as the perfect licence for avoiding it forever after; like waving about a sick-note at school in order to get out of sports. Someone might claim they can’t diet because they are a chocoholic and this label then acts as a free-pass for continuing to eat chocolate while absolving all responsibility about being overweight.

In truth, our identity is the result of how we think we are seen by others, which can be something totally different to our own perception of ourselves.

This idea of the identity being something rigid and unchangeable leads us to two illusions. Firstly, the belief that we should be someone other than ourselves, which means that we give up living as our natural selves and sacrificing the effortless flow of life for enslaving ourselves to others preconceptions of how life should be lived. A life that mismatches our own feelings and values. Secondly, the assumption that everybody thinks and does the same as we do, which means we’ll expect our partner (or anyone else) to act in ways that are outside their own ideas of how life should be lived. This assumption exposes a mismatch between our perceptions and reality, often presenting us with an unfulfilled expectation, the chief foundation for upset.

A lot of what we are talking about is not only relevant to relationships but for living life as a whole. It’s about how we see ourselves; discovering, deep down, who we really are and about how we would like to choose to spend our time on this planet. Our relationships are just one part of that. Inevitably, what we choose to do here – what we choose to do in order to overcome the highs and lows of life and how we deal with wins and losses – will contribute to our personal evolution

Who are we then if we are not our current idea of our identity? At the risk of digressing into an area of which a whole library of books can be written, you are your authentic-self while you are not thinking about it; while you are not being self-conscious. You are who you really are when you’re so engrossed in something that gives you so much pleasure that you aren’t thinking of anything else; and before you know it, hours have flown by in the matter of minutes. With the dissolution of identity comes the question of purpose. If we are not who we think we are then why are we here and what is our purpose? But is this question really important if immersion in awareness drowns out self-consciousness?

Along the way, our collective concern about identity and purpose has given us the illusion that we are separate and superior to nature. Whatever we think, and however powerful we think we are, we are still bound by natural law. We birth, we grow, we reproduce, we die. Therefore, we need go no further than nature to find our purpose.

What is the purpose of an oak tree? An oak tree grows, produces seeds from which other oak trees grow, food and shelter for animals and helps oxygenate the atmosphere. Does the tree worry about it’s purpose? No, it is just being an oak tree and naturally lives into its role. If we are to re-find our purpose we must learn to release the idea of our identity and it’s associated self-consciousness.

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