In trying to find favour with anyone, or in attempting to repair relationships, we have to be careful to not fall into a trap of trying to appear unselfish. Not only will we be betraying our values and falling into both traps of identity and morality, adapting ‘chameleon like’ into how we think we should be seen by others, but trying to appear unselfish is in itself a selfish act, since there is always a hidden agenda underneath.
This illusion of unselfishness is the belief that if we give up all we can (even by sacrificing our own needs) then we might receive some proportionate appreciation or reward in return. This ‘giving,’ in order to get what you want, is ultimately a passive form of manipulation. It never works out as intended. This is the illusion of the concept that ‘Life is Fair’. You sacrifice in the name of hope but it’s ultimately a hopeless situation. In reality, life just isn’t fair… life is life and owes you nothing more than the time given to you here and now. What you do with your time is up to you. What others do with their time is up to them. And never the twain shall meet…
Your results in life are not linked to your sacrifices. Your results are linked to how you BE and then what you DO in alignment with your natural self. It’s like a marathon: you can only last the course by being your natural self. Trying to mould yourself to fit in to others expectations is like setting off at a sprint in a marathon – it can be done, but it won’t be long before you lose your energy and fall back to your old ways of being.
Any time we make self-sacrificing choices that are designed to avoid being labelled “selfish,” we are betraying ourselves in order to control an outcome. We might well have a bona fide interest in someone’s well-being, and ‘giving’ can be a gratifying experience in itself but only as long as we are giving for its own sake and genuinely not expecting anything in return. We’re in a trap if we do such things in order to appear unselfish in the hope that there will be some payoff for us somewhere down the line.
The desire to appear unselfish has no relevance to how worthy we might appear, and the attempt to appear worthy is in itself an act of self-betrayal. By all means look after other’s interests but remember to look after yourself first. Looking after your own interests first is not being selfish, it is the foundation for your own well-being and for everything good that you can then offer. It is a far more generous act for you to live to your own values and to be your authentic self beyond your self-created identity… if you haven’t attended to your own needs, then you have nothing of substance to offer others.
Remember what the air hostess says in the safety briefing “Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others …” There is nothing noble in suffocating by trying to be seen as the hero.