How To Gain Emotional Control

Observed from the shore, the sea moves in and out seemingly of its own accord. We focus on the water ebbing and flowing but it is not the sea that causes the tides but the gravity of the moon that pulls upon the oceans. Your emotions are like the tides: you focus on your circumstances or problems but it’s not them that is causing the anxiety or upset, but your own thoughts about them… they are not the same.

Nothing outside of ourselves has the gravity to pull directly on our emotions, only our own thoughts can do that – and, unless we stop to think about it, we automatically mistake the facts, for our ‘thoughts’ and opinions. There’s a lot more going on in our minds than we notice at the surface level and we mistake it all for reality.

Just like an iceberg, there is much more is below the surface of the mind than is noticeable above. the part above the surface is your conscious mind. It is the you that is awake during the day. The you that solves problems and goes to work. The you that makes decisions, pays the bills, argues and tells jokes. Your conscious mind is what’s above the waves – your waking state…

If your conscious mind was all there was what was, then you’d be able to consciously decide to end your suffering and be happy and that would be the end of that matter, wouldn’t it?

But there’s so much more at work below the surface. This is your subconscious: the part of your mind that beats your heart and inflates and deflates your lungs without your conscious command, tells you when you are hungry, has you fall in love, laugh and beats your heart faster under stress.

90% of the iceberg is below the surface. It doesn’t matter how strongly the wind blows or how hard the waves crash on the 10% above it’s not going to overcome the power of the tides and undercurrents acting on the 90% below. The same goes for your subconscious. You cannot feel better by hiding your emotions or looking for distractions like drink, drugs or sex. All this is merely wind and waves on the top 10% of the iceberg.

You’ll need to work with how the underlying tides and currents of your thinking influence your emotions: master your thoughts and their gravity will pull your emotions along with them… this link between your emotions and thoughts are what move you greater than any conscious will or intent.

If you want a simple tool for mastering emotional control, develop a habit of meditation. Don’t get hung up on your definition of meditation. It’s simply the practice of replacing thinking with awareness and doesn’t have to involve sitting hours cross legged going Om. If even for a few seconds, replacing thoughts with judgement-free observation (awareness) is an effective tool for removing unwanted emotions. As the thoughts are swept away, the emotions are swept away with them.

The practice of meditation is much like trying to sweep water out of a flooded hallway, once you stop sweeping, the water starts flowing back. Which is why it needs to be a constant practice and not just a one off exercise. Five minutes may be enough to make a difference but the longer the better.

Once you experience, for yourself, that thought influences emotion, you are able to choose other thoughts that make you feel better. Alternatively, you can  choose to indulge the original emotion knowing that this is a choice and not an effect. Grief is a good example.

Grief cannot be thought of as a desired emotion but, in the loss of a loved one, grief may feel necessary for personal healing and an honouring of that time with that person. Without the realisation that thoughts lead emotions, grief can leave you at the mercy of sadness for a long time. But that thoughts affect your emotions, you are able to choose when to grieve and how long for.

Eventually this can be as simple as asking yourself: “How do I feel… do I want to feel this way… if so, for how long?”

First, start with meditation to begin to master your thinking.

When you are ready, and regularly become aware of the small spaces created in your meditation, either consciously choose other thoughts that create a future for you to live toward, or indulge the original emotion and know that it’s a choice. Knowing that indulging an emotion is a choice can be a real life changer.